[new jersey accent] my name may be short, but I'm livin' large.
If the slipper fits, you too can be a princess.
With all the beauty rest I get, is it any wonder I'm so hot?
We are the real princesses of new jersey.
Hey, beauty, what are you wearing tonight?
I'm thinking of wearing my mini gown.
Oh, the one with the leopard pattern?
You know it. Arr!
It's gonna be like beauty and the beast wrapped up in one.
[both laugh]
So beauty and I are getting mani-pedis
'cause I'm throwing a ball tonight. It's gonna be very a-list.
There's gonna be fairies, godmothers, singing mice--
The whole bibbity-bobbity-bang.
[laughs] it's ridiculous.
Well well well, if it ain't the second and third fairest of them all.
Cindy, how did you know we were here?
Mirror mirror on the wall,
Are those two wenches at the mall?
Yeah, they're getting their nails did,
But you didn't hear it from me.
I can't believe you didn't invite me to your ball.
Oh, you mean you didn't get the invitation?
Yeah, like I was gonna invite her, right?
Last ball I threw, stroke of midnight,
Her dress is trashed, one shoe on, one shoe off,
She'd driving around in a pumpkin.
They think they're so much better than me.
Your mother's a witch.
Princesses, princesses, all our mothers are witches.
- True dat. - True dat.
Sorry I flew off the handle. Apple?
Thanks.
[laughing]
She falls for that every time.
I guess we know who the dumbest of them all is. It's ridiculous.
[both laughing]
We are the real princesses of new jersey.
[phone ringing]
"off to the races, I'm going places ,
"might be a long shot, not gonna waste it ,
"this is the big break and it's calling my name ,
"yeah ,
"at least that's how I see it ,
"having a dream is just the beginning ,
"so far, so great, believe it ,
"can't take away this feeling ,
"taking a ride, chance on my side ,
"yeah, I can't wait ,
"so far, so great, so far, so great ,
"ba ba da da-da, ba da da da-da..."
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Can you believe what we have to put up with around here?
That nail polish is so last week.
I know. It's ridiculous, right?
And she missed a piggy. How do you miss a piggy?
It's right there going, "you missed me!"
Did you guys see the schedule?
We have to come in at 10:00.
What, do we work on a farm?
Even when I worked on a farm I didn't have to wake up that early.
I hate this studio.
They confiscated my yorkie again.
Every day you bring your dog to work
And every day the security guard confiscates her.
And now mamselle calls the guard "daddy."
I'm daddy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You guys, we should be grateful for all of this.
I mean, we're living the dream.
Hey, sonny, here's that cheese platter you requested.
Aww. See?
These are the little things we should be grateful for.
But I'm pretty sure that I asked
For extra-sharp wisconsin farmhouse cheddar cheese.
You know, just because you're dressed like princesses
Doesn't mean you're actually princesses.
And you two, you're acting like royal pains.
[laughs]
See what I did there?
Seriously, stop your bellyaching.
Yoknow what, marshall? This cheese is fine.
This cheese is not fine.
We have to do something about this.
I'm writing a letter to mr. Condor.
Whoa whoa whoa, hey hey hey, no.
No need to bring the bossman into this.
Yeah, we just complain to each other.
We don't actually do anything about it.
Well, we should.
You know, back when I was in high school
I was very upset about the junk food in the vending machines.
So you know what I did? I wrote a very nice, but firm letter
Asking them to replace the junk food with apples. And it worked.
Yeah, we got macintosh and fuji and red delicious and--
Hey, jenny appleseed, just write the letter.
Dear mr. Condor...
Oh, 10:00 a.M. They're killing me here.
Let's just start rehearsal, guys.
Thanks for getting the school bully life in prison, sally.
No problem, martin.
He'll never take your tuna sandwich again.
Because I'm sally jenson and I fight for you!
Sorry to interrupt the rehearsal.
I heard you kids wrote mr. Condor a letter.
Oh, actually, that was me.
Well, mr. Condor wanted you to know
That he took all your grievances to heart
And there's gonna be some changes around here.
See? Just like the apples.
- Did you like the apples? - Yep.
Then maybe not like the apples.
Mr. Condor was surprised at how ungrateful you all are,
So he's bringing in a new cast member.
We didn't ask for a new cast member.
We didn't even want this cast member.
Really? Aren't we over that yet?
Well, you're getting one--
Someone who appreciates what she has.
And can set an example for the rest of you.
[sniffs] evil.
- Hello, cast mates. - [gasp]
You all know dakota-- dako condor.
- [clamoring] - I don't want to hear it!
Dako's a member of the cast of "so random!" as of right now.
So start working with her.
Evil.
Yeah, we know.
Not dakota-- you.
Evil!
Thanks for getting the school bully life in prison, sally.
How can they do the sketch without you?
No problem, martin.
'cause I'm sally jenson and I fight for you!
I'm sally jenson and I ght you!
No no no no! Zora, stop fighting.
Please, no hitting.
[whimpers]
I don't even wantto be here.
My daddy made me.
I just wanted to stay home and make the maid color for me.
- Oh, you poor little-- - sonn no. It's a trap.
Zora, please.
And I'll tell you a story to cheer you up,
Just like I did for grady when I told him he'd never live on pandora.
Thanks, sonny.
You're helping the enemy?
Helping the enemy leave. Trust me, she s out.
I'll have her back home, coloringith the maid in no time.
I got this.
A little help here.
Seriously? Dakota tied you up?
You know what? Keep laughing, guys.
Dakota's here to stay.
She stole sally jenson.
She left here dressed as sicky vicky.
- How long is it before she becomes dolphin girl? - No no.
- Or grandma gassie? - That's mine.
- Or your rapping pirate? - I don't think she'll take that part.
Arrg, to the arrg, to the arrg, to the arrg.
All the mateys in the house say arrg!
This sketch is off the hook.
I gotta give it up. The pirate accent really makes it work.
We cannot just sit here and take this.
But marshall doesn't want to hear it.
Marshall's not gonna hear it.
We're gonna March right down to mr. Condor's office
And let him know it's either us or dakota.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yes, she's right. We're the stars.
- We're "so random!" - exactly.
What is mr. Condor gonna do,
Fire us and send us to public school?
Public school?
I can't believe mr. Condor fired us and sent us to public school.
[all clamoring]
- [bell ringing] - what is that?
Public school?
This is where we're gonna spend the rest of our teen lives?
Guys, relax.
This is obviously just the studio trying to teach us a lesson.
I give marshall half a day with dakota
And he's gonna be begging mr. Condor to bring us back.
We could think of this as a field trip.
Sure, we can give that a shot, I guess.
- I guess so. - Good.
Yes yes, you're right. It's me.
It's tawni hart on a field trip to your sad little world.
Hey, I know you guys. I've seen you on t.V.
Well, we're not on t.V. Anymore,
So you can just treat us like you would any other new kids.
Okeydokey.
Maybe I'll start with little lord fauntleroy here.
Ow.
What are you gonna do about it?
Meet my lawyer-- sally jenson.
She fights for me.
Meet my fists. They fight for me.
No objection. Your witness.
Grady! Be careful with him.
Okay, don't worry, don't worry. Every school has a bully.
We just gotta go talk to the principal.
He won't last that long.
Grady, just give her your tuna sandwich.
It's okay. The principal will take care of this.
Well, he took care of the sandwich.
Man, school is brutal.
Brutal?
Really?
You guys just watched that happen.
I lived it!
Did you know that there are 36 different types of wedgies?
Martha calls this one "the hoodie."
Ooh, martha, huh?
Sounds like somebody likes you.
Really?
Are you really going to listen to her about this?
Jealous?
Hey hey hey.
Why are you giving him false hope?
You guys, this is high school.
This place is filled with hope.
You know, I went to a school just like this back in wisconsin.
And let me tell you, it wasn't that different from the studio.
Au contraire. Here I got a girlfriend.
Okay, what I meant was that when you're in high school,
You have to just find people that you can relate to.
Like, okay, look--
A mean blonde girl.
Ooh.
Look, a girl being shoved into a small space.
Ahh.
And nico,
You see that guy striking out with a girl
That's way out of his league?
Just like me.
You see, you guys? We fit in.
I look much better than him. I got a better face.
You'd better enjoy it while it lasts,
Because marshall is gonna be calling us,
Begging us to come back to the studio in no time,
Which means I'd better work fast,
Because it's time to institute
The sonny munroe apple initiative.
- [bell rings] - bell!
- It's that noise again. - What's going on?
[clamoring]
It's the school bell. It means it's time to go to class.
Class?
Is there anything more comforting than cafeteria food?
It's warm and fuzzy
Just like your favorite pair of slippers.
Speaking of sliprs, is that a foot?
It's paw-- definitely paw.
Ooh, grady, here comes martha.
Do I have paw breath?
The vending machine donuts with apples, right?
Why, yes, I am.
Thatending machine was the only thing in this school
That gave me joy.
- [clears throat] - hello.
Right here.
Which reminds me it's time to introduce you to wedgie number two--
The wedge of allegiance.
Oh, guys, hey, guys,
If I'm not back by fourth period,
Tell everybody!
Where are we going?
So, wow.
Aren't those new kids, like, complete losers?
Mm-hmm. [laughs]
So what are you, team edward or team jacob?
Can't decide, huh?
Well, why not go for team nico,
Because I've got bark and bite.
[barks]
"I've never ever been to public school... ,
- Oh, no. - What is she doing?
She's trying to tell us how miserable she feels.
"I never thought that it would be this cruel... ,
- By singing? - Looks like it.
"it's endless, we're friendless ,
"it's nothing but pain... ,
"and no one in this dump knows our name... ,
All right, martha, give me a ost.
- "I know you think that this is probably my fault , - "we do ,
- "the catty comments and the constant assault , - "it's cool ,
"I was he once and I'm still alive ,
"so listen if you want to survive ,
"inside this high school, miserable ,
"I never thought I'd be invisible ,
"in this high school, miserable ,
"we've got to keep being indivisible ,
"in this high school, miserable ,
"someone get me back on t.V. ,
"I thought the girls here would go crazy for me ,
"if love's a test I'm clearly getting a "d" ,
"I never knew how high my undies could ,
"there's tons of wedgies I didn't know ,
"like the hoodie, the hourglass ,
- "the 360 spin... , - that hurt.
"the peg leg, the bat ,
"the bowling pin ,
,"the donkey, tthe monkey ,
"man, am I sore ,
"I can't believe there's 28 more-- neat ,
"someone get me back on t. ,
"away from high school, miserable ,
"high school, miserable ,
"here's hoping high school, miserable ,
"somne ,
"here's hoping someone ,
"someone get us back on t.V. ,
Students: Boo!
Seriously, guys? We just made all that up.
With no rehearsal.
Or authorization.
All you-- detention.
There is no singing in high school.
- But-- - let me put this
In a way you just might understand.
"no singing in high school ,
"no no no no. ,
[cheering]
Really?
And don't forget,
I thought marshall was supposed to call by now.
What's the hurry?
There's an assembly at 2:30.
- Call him. - Dialing.
- [phone ringing] - [sobbing]
Hello.
Marshall, are you crying?
I can't stop.
It's dakota.
So talented.
What?
She can dance...
She can sing...
[singing "habanera" from "carmen"]
No cell phones,
Even if I am hearing the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.
Oh my.
Are you so touched
That you're possibly considering not giving us detention?
No no, it's making me realize
How awful your little song and dance in the cafeteria was.
Double detention.
Double detention on our first day?
Do you guys know how rare that is?
I mean, you, my friends, are getting
The full high school experience.
[all clamoring]
Wait, why are you putting me in a locker?
Don't forget the assembly at 2:30.
Let's go.
Hey, guys.
Oh, there you guys are.
You know, back in wisconsin the lockers felt a lot more roomy.
All right, settle settle.
Today we have a very exciting speaker.
Ooh, maybe it'll be someone inspiring,
Someone we can all look up to,
Someone who will turn this whole day around.
Give it up for chad dylan cooper!
[cheering]
Hey, guys. Come here, come here, come here.
You the man.
Where my mack fans at?
Who wants a t-shirt?
Give me that thing. Whoo!
You want a t-shirt? You got a t-shirt.
Ow.
Yeah, you people are doing something so important--
Getting an education.
Let me tell you a little story
About five people I sort of knew.
Let's call them the cast of "so random!"
[crowd booing]
I know, I know. It's okay.
Well, they got an f-minus on the test of life.
These five people-- they thought they were so funny,
They couldn't be replaced.
Well, as it turns out, those five people lost their jobs.
And who knows where they are now?
Oh, we're right here.
- I love you too! - What?
I love all of you-- all of you.
Stay in school and peace out, suckas.
Chad chad chad chad!
He's our last chance to get out of here.
What happened to the fun field trip?
I had time to think when I was in the locker.
This place is a nightmare. Follow me if you want to live.
Chad! Chad! Chad!
They're attacking. Protect yourself.
["habanera" from "carmen" playing]
Whoa.
Did you just...
Think about what it was like to be unpopular?
- Unemployed? - Unappreciated?
Under love's spell?
You know, I'm starting to think
That maybe writing this letter isn't such a great idea.
- Oh, I'll do it. - No no no.
Hey, kids, I couldn't help overhearing
You're unhappy over a few things.
- What? - No, we're good.
It's okay. Look, just jot them down in a letter
And I'll take it over to mr. Condor.
[clamoring]
This cheese is totally fine.
You know, just because we're dressed like princesses
Doesn't mean we have to act like them.
Yeah, and we're sorry we were being royal pains.
- See what he did there? - Yeah, you see?
[all speaking at once]
Well, got an early day tomorrow.
- Gotta head out. - See you at 9:30-ish.
- 9:30. - Yeah.
Dear mr. Condor...
- Just... - Grady.
- Fine. - Martha?
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